Billy Connolly

[#6]  There are two seasons in Scotland - Winter and July.

[#7]  It's very awkward to be kind of big in your own field. It limits what you're offered. People are swayed by the fact that you're a comedian or a musician or whatever they think you are. When it comes to choosing you, they get a bit shaky about offering you a different type of role. But I've really been very lucky. When you compare me to other comedians, I've been very fortunate. So you'll get no complaints.

[#8]  I'd never consciously left home to see a zombie movie. They were fine by me, but I had no intention of ever being in one. But I've been learning more about it as I've been doing interviews. I didn't even know there were specialist zombie magazines and clubs. I heard the other day that a radio station had asked people if they'd made preparations for an attack by zombies, and a staggering number of people replied yes!

[#9]  I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce -- my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions -- the absurdity of the thing.

[#10]  Without arts programmes there's only reality TV, and reality TV needs the arts to show it what reality is.

[#11]  Gerry Rafferty was a hugely talented songwriter and singer who will be greatly missed. I was privileged to have spent my formative years working with Gerry and there remained a strong bond of friendship between us that lasted until his untimely death. Gerry had extraordinary gifts and his premature passing deprives the world of a true genius.

[#12]  There comes a point when you don't give a shit what anybody thinks. It doesn't happen all at once, but it's lovely when it does. Criticism used to worry me before, but I can suddenly write it off. It's too late. I don't have the time to spend thinking about it anymore. I need that time to live with.

[#13]  I fucking hate going on holiday anywhere but in my own home. My idea of a nice break is lying in bed being brought cups of tea while watching football, episodes of Law & Order (1990) or one of those reality shows set in a prison. And it fucking terrifies me to be somewhere where Pamela Stephenson's going to be lurking about waiting to guilt-trip me into going on a walk to Japanese gardens, sampling vanilla tea or trying to stay upright on a contraption that doesn't know if it's a kite or a surfboard. Wild horses couldn't persuade me. If she'd had her way, we'd start the day with an hour of power yoga on the shore, followed by a gluten-free breakfast, a scuba dive to see enormous, bitey things, then a tanning session on the beach where the combination of sunscreen and sand turns you into a giant schnitzel. After lunch there'd be kayaking to a deserted island, then a candlelit dinner in some exotic outdoor location where small bitey things make you even more miserable than the big ones.

[#14]  Jazz makes me want to vomit!

[#15]  I've had it with terrorists of all colors and fucking descriptions. Fucking bringing terror to some innocent person's life. Fuck you. Osama Bin Laden lives in a cave, shits in a fucking bucket. Why are we scared of this prick? Fuck you, Bin Laden!

[#16]  I don't want to influence anybody so I shut up. I think the Scots will come to a good conclusion in the referendum. They'll get what they deserve.

[#17]  [on the death of Robin Williams] Robin was 'on' all the time. He was a joy to be around, let me tell you. In all the years I knew him I never got tired of him. He was a one-off, so warm, so human. In my quieter moments I do sometimes think I could have done more to help him. It's a lonely life, show business. You spend a lot of time on your own, and if you dwell on these things you can hurt yourself, as Robin proved.

[#18]  The future doesn't exist and neither does the past. Worrying about it is a waste of time and effort.

[#19]  [on his belief that Robin Williams was trying to say goodbye when they last spoke] On the last phone call he said, 'I love you like a brother' and I said, 'I know you do' and he said, 'Are you sure you know?' and I said, 'Yes'. Robin worried about everything.

[#20]  [on politicians] Don't vote, it just encourages them.

[#21]  Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?

[#22]  Irish people don't communicate like anyone else. I was walking in Ireland, and this woman said "Oh, Billy Connolly you're the spitting image of yourself!".

[#23]  I think Wilderbeest don't know that they're Wilderbeest. For there are no mirrors on the Serengeti. "Run Wilderbeest! Run for your life!" "I'm not a Wilderbeest! I'm one of those stripey things over there!"

[#24]  My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger

[#25]  Life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life. Get wasted all the time, and you'll have the time of your life!

[#26]  That run-on just threw me there. Should be an Olympic event, shouldn't it? You could strap wee hurdles to people and get them to do that. I would turn up. That was *very* pleasant, I must say. Jeez, we should do that more often... much, much more often. And what a *nice* dress. [Billy was compèring a BAFTA TV awards programme in 1995. Liz Hurley, dressed in a full-length, non-revealing dress, ran down the stairs onto the set, to present an award. It was obvious from her bouncing breasts that she was not wearing a bra. Billy gave a look of amazement and turned away, then made the comments a few minutes later as Liz was leaving the stage.]