Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you fucker!”
He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, ‘fuck off it’ll be too painful.’
Bloke walks into a pub, orders a double whisky and downs it in one.
“Another”, he says to the bar man and throws that one straight back too. “Another”, and then he does the same again, followed by a fifth double whisky.
“Look”, says the bar man, “I don’t object to serving you these drinks but you’re throwing them back at a hell of a rate – what’s up?”
“First blow job today”, replies the man. “
Ah, congratulations!” says the barman, “In that case the next double is on the house!”
“No thanks, replies the man, “if five of them don’t take the taste away, nothing will”.
I was going through a few magazines the other day down at the local Mosque.
I was really enjoying myself.
Then the rifle jammed.
Did you hear about the woman who got timber breast implants?
This joke would be better if it had a punchline.
Wooden tit?
Paedophile’s are evil people who should be dealt with.
…. but credit where credits due, they always slow down for school zones!
I’ve always wondered what it would be like to star in my own zombie movie, so I went down to my local old peoples home, stole all the wheel chairs and walking aids, then set the fire alarm off and waited outside with a shovel and a cricket bat.
Forty gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up GOD, saying:
‘I’ve got 40 travellers here. Can I let them in?’
GOD replies ‘We are over our quota on Pikeys.
Go back out to the Pearly Gates and tell them to choose among them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.’
Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to GOD again.
‘They’ve gone’, he tells GOD.
‘What?’ says GOD, ‘All 40 of them?’
‘No, the Pearly Gates’.